I hear you can be beaten for chewing gum in Singapore.
I've picked up the habit of chewing gum lately. I chew gum around the big guy to keep my mouth moist and my breath minty fresh. I never know when I might get some serious tongue.
I have no problem keeping it in my mouth while making out. It dances over my tongue, behind my front teeth, over his tongue and back to rest on one of my molars until I'm ready to chew again.
But somehow the big guy's package and the gum don't quite fit at the same time. The gum's a problem. And so I take it out and put it on the headboard for later. Not a big deal ...usually.
But let me tell you what happened this week. One morning I woke up and reached for my gum but it wasn't there. Obviously knocked down with a change in position or something. And so I got down on my hands and knees and looked for it under the bed.
AAHH SHIT!
But I should probably back up a bit and tell you a few weeks ago I was asked if he could tie me up. YEAH RIGHT! In your dreams buddy.
And what I saw under the bed?? Yep. Ties. Men's silk ties. Wrapped and tied along the bedframe. With slip knot loops lying on the hardwood floor. It took everything I had not to freak out on the spot. I held it together and would've had the time to seriously analyze this except he had to call me when he got to work.
What do you say when you're fucking freaking out? I am a visual thinker! I could see this scene materialize in the bed he makes love to me in! (in case I didn't tell you Fucking him has been replaced by Making Serious Love just to tell you where my head is now. I know. Fucked aren't I? We'll talk more later about this.)
Now I know he has no way of knowing this ranks up there with one of my greatest fears. The control freak that I am. I even wrote a scene in a screenplay I'm writing about bondage because I needed to show an all-out scariest scenario for the protagonist. Yea well. Now what??
He apologized for not disposing of them. Got down on one knee so he could be eye to eye when he explained. Week after week, drama after drama. What the fuck already! I was just hoping for a few dates, making out and a fuck or two.
Next time I'll just swallow my gum.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Mothers
Not MF's!Though the meaning might apply here??
I mean one that sits up waiting for you to come home at 3AM for the 20 questions!!
My mom came for a visit last week. And it so happens I had a date with the Big Guy to see Rob Schneider at the local Comedy Club (real frickin' funny by the way!!)I came rollin' in at 3am and that was only because I had to get up at 6 for work. She was waiting up for me.
NO she didn't ask if I had a good time! NO she didn't ask if Rob was funny! She said "I thought you said you'd be home at midnight. It's 3 o'clock in the morning."
AM I 16 ALL OVER AGAIN ???!!!
Apparently.
Well of course you all know I had to see him again Friday and Saturday. She went home Saturday afternoon, so I thought I'd be safe staying overnight to Sunday. But with the invention of cell phones and fucking text messaging, she figured out I was still out or just out very late. Whatever.
OK I am officially SLEEPING AROUND according to my mother!! Like one guy constitutes "around". Nothing like getting a text message bitching at you for setting a shitty example for your daughter.
My daughter (her granddaughter) at the unmarried age of 21 has a 2yr old son. I think she knows all about having sex at 3 in the morning, MOM!! In my daughter's defense, this was a college romance...she managed to graduate magna cum laude with a BS criminal justice degree in 3 yrs!! And in my defense this is my first fucking relationship other than my marriage in 30 YEARS! Cut me a break already!
So you know we're not talking now. I'll keep you posted on that.
The Big Guy's mother?
I was out Saturday night to meet the "safe" member of his family...his younger brother. I tried way too hard to be funny and personable knowing any impression was going straight to the other members of his Italian Catholic family. Got the picture?
Sunday evening the Big Guy is with his family...
Mother:" Pretty nice car in your driveway today"
(she was at his house about 3:30 in the afternoon!...funny she didn't hear the moans from the bedroom at that time. At least she didn't try ringing the bell!)
Mother:"Your brother said she's nice"
Then the discussion about why he didn't say anything. After his last GF, she said not to bring anyone around unless they had a ring on their finger.(I know what you're thinkin'. Me too!!)
When he reminded her of that, his sister needed to confirm. According to the Big Guy,Sis' word is gospel.
Like I said... MF's? Not that they are... just what a MOTHERf****r in general!
Yea I'm in real deep shit with both.
I mean one that sits up waiting for you to come home at 3AM for the 20 questions!!
My mom came for a visit last week. And it so happens I had a date with the Big Guy to see Rob Schneider at the local Comedy Club (real frickin' funny by the way!!)I came rollin' in at 3am and that was only because I had to get up at 6 for work. She was waiting up for me.
NO she didn't ask if I had a good time! NO she didn't ask if Rob was funny! She said "I thought you said you'd be home at midnight. It's 3 o'clock in the morning."
AM I 16 ALL OVER AGAIN ???!!!
Apparently.
Well of course you all know I had to see him again Friday and Saturday. She went home Saturday afternoon, so I thought I'd be safe staying overnight to Sunday. But with the invention of cell phones and fucking text messaging, she figured out I was still out or just out very late. Whatever.
OK I am officially SLEEPING AROUND according to my mother!! Like one guy constitutes "around". Nothing like getting a text message bitching at you for setting a shitty example for your daughter.
My daughter (her granddaughter) at the unmarried age of 21 has a 2yr old son. I think she knows all about having sex at 3 in the morning, MOM!! In my daughter's defense, this was a college romance...she managed to graduate magna cum laude with a BS criminal justice degree in 3 yrs!! And in my defense this is my first fucking relationship other than my marriage in 30 YEARS! Cut me a break already!
So you know we're not talking now. I'll keep you posted on that.
The Big Guy's mother?
I was out Saturday night to meet the "safe" member of his family...his younger brother. I tried way too hard to be funny and personable knowing any impression was going straight to the other members of his Italian Catholic family. Got the picture?
Sunday evening the Big Guy is with his family...
Mother:" Pretty nice car in your driveway today"
(she was at his house about 3:30 in the afternoon!...funny she didn't hear the moans from the bedroom at that time. At least she didn't try ringing the bell!)
Mother:"Your brother said she's nice"
Then the discussion about why he didn't say anything. After his last GF, she said not to bring anyone around unless they had a ring on their finger.(I know what you're thinkin'. Me too!!)
When he reminded her of that, his sister needed to confirm. According to the Big Guy,Sis' word is gospel.
Like I said... MF's? Not that they are... just what a MOTHERf****r in general!
Yea I'm in real deep shit with both.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Threesome ???
OMG!! Oh yes!! I've been asked that ridiculous question men always seem to want to know...how would you feel about a threesome? They ask so casually as if they are asking what drink you'd like today. It just rolled off the big guy's tongue. WTF!!!
Well girlfriends, I love you all (you know who you are) but not enough to have sex with any one of you. So I said ABSOLUTELY NOT! I'LL SAY IT AGAIN NO NO NO NO AND NO!
What the fuck already! Do I look like the threesome type? I dress like Diane Sawyer for Godsakes. Are you nuts??
And so this would be with another woman and the big guy as if that's supposed to make it safe?? Ok then.
NO.
I remember when I visited my high school friend who moved with her family to Pompano Beach Florida. It was the summer between my freshman and sophomore year of college. She was seeing this tall blonde with a killer tan and he had a friend. Also tall blonde with a killer tan JEFF. Great vacation sex. Funny how a shortened time frame brings out the urgency to fuck 24/7.
So one night he asks. Wouldn't it be cool to have the two of them...my girlfriend wouldn't have to know. A really bad porno movie flashed before my eyes. I said no and never looked back to regret it.
So the big guy feels like talking more so I say I was asked again maybe a year later.
"What did I say?"
He answers "yes right?"
What the hell?? NO! the answer was NO!
I wonder if all that fucking we're doing is giving him the wrong impression of me? Please don't answer.
He decides to tell me of his adventure. And I really don't want to know. And before I have a chance to stop him it spills out all over like unchecked sperm. What a fuckin' mess!
A girl he was in love with asked him.(imagine that!!)to do it with a girlfriend of hers. C'mon did I really need to know?!
I wasn't prepared for the fallout. It touched a dark place deep inside me. I am not sexually liberated and even though I recognize consenting adults can do whatever the fuck they want I still believe that doesn't make it right or good.
WHO DOES THIS?? WHAT MAN THAT LOVES A WOMAN DOES THIS?? WHAT DOES IT SAY TO THE CHARACTER OF THE MAN?? SCREW THAT MALE FANTASY SHIT OF TWO WOMEN!!
I have an empty place that all the explanations in the world can't fill. Hey Big guy, I never thought I'd feel jealousy...what a fucking ugly emotion!
Well girlfriends, I love you all (you know who you are) but not enough to have sex with any one of you. So I said ABSOLUTELY NOT! I'LL SAY IT AGAIN NO NO NO NO AND NO!
What the fuck already! Do I look like the threesome type? I dress like Diane Sawyer for Godsakes. Are you nuts??
And so this would be with another woman and the big guy as if that's supposed to make it safe?? Ok then.
NO.
I remember when I visited my high school friend who moved with her family to Pompano Beach Florida. It was the summer between my freshman and sophomore year of college. She was seeing this tall blonde with a killer tan and he had a friend. Also tall blonde with a killer tan JEFF. Great vacation sex. Funny how a shortened time frame brings out the urgency to fuck 24/7.
So one night he asks. Wouldn't it be cool to have the two of them...my girlfriend wouldn't have to know. A really bad porno movie flashed before my eyes. I said no and never looked back to regret it.
So the big guy feels like talking more so I say I was asked again maybe a year later.
"What did I say?"
He answers "yes right?"
What the hell?? NO! the answer was NO!
I wonder if all that fucking we're doing is giving him the wrong impression of me? Please don't answer.
He decides to tell me of his adventure. And I really don't want to know. And before I have a chance to stop him it spills out all over like unchecked sperm. What a fuckin' mess!
A girl he was in love with asked him.(imagine that!!)to do it with a girlfriend of hers. C'mon did I really need to know?!
I wasn't prepared for the fallout. It touched a dark place deep inside me. I am not sexually liberated and even though I recognize consenting adults can do whatever the fuck they want I still believe that doesn't make it right or good.
WHO DOES THIS?? WHAT MAN THAT LOVES A WOMAN DOES THIS?? WHAT DOES IT SAY TO THE CHARACTER OF THE MAN?? SCREW THAT MALE FANTASY SHIT OF TWO WOMEN!!
I have an empty place that all the explanations in the world can't fill. Hey Big guy, I never thought I'd feel jealousy...what a fucking ugly emotion!
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Tits and Tiramisu
Saturday I catered a spa day affair for a woman of high rank in the military. It seems every year she hosts a group of her very best friends---ranging from grade school to college friends---for a day of pampering at the Hershey Hotel Spa. Afterward they drink great wine and have dinner in her home.
For a bit of a change this year, I was asked to make small plates for the ladies. I made a variety of dishes from red beet and goat cheese salad to chocolate tiramisu.
The conversations ranged from where they would vacation for their 40th birthdays to nanny care. One woman mentioned her son and so I asked if he was her only child.
"No, we are having another one." She didn't look pregnant.
"My partner is carrying our second child. A boy!" she beamed. "And they are both from the same donor so they'll have that biological connection".
Wow. The woman she was referring to had just left the room. Twenty something and very pregnant.
Now let me say these were super women. Beautiful, hair and make up perfect beautiful, sporting large rocks on their well manicured fingers with expensive imported steel in the driveway women.
By far the most impressive group of over-achievers I have had the privilege to meet. Just being in their presence added a few points to my IQ(127 by the way but I'll bet I was the lowest in the room).
From the list...engineer, microbiologist, ob-gyn, patent attorney, a few ph d's ... with the addition of male sperm they could start their own planet.
So as the night went on conversation shifted with the blood alcohol level. I hear a "I was checking out the cleavage on the bartender..."
And then I got it!!...Slow, huh? Yes all that cock I had been getting was shifting blood flow from my brain.
"We're having a clevage contest. Do you want to get in on it?" I was asked while serving dessert.
"Sure."
"You have to vote..." A woman approached me with a digital camera, flipping through some photos.
"I don't want to vote. I want to participate." I said.
Some bad ass whooping cat calls from the dining area.
I slipped my apron strap over my head and pulled down my shirt revealing my newly shaped cleavage in one of the HOT bras I bought from VS last week.
Snap.
Louder cat calls.
It seems I won. Can't wait to see my tits on facebook.
Note to self: Maybe I should get a KISS THE COOK apron for such an occasion.
For a bit of a change this year, I was asked to make small plates for the ladies. I made a variety of dishes from red beet and goat cheese salad to chocolate tiramisu.
The conversations ranged from where they would vacation for their 40th birthdays to nanny care. One woman mentioned her son and so I asked if he was her only child.
"No, we are having another one." She didn't look pregnant.
"My partner is carrying our second child. A boy!" she beamed. "And they are both from the same donor so they'll have that biological connection".
Wow. The woman she was referring to had just left the room. Twenty something and very pregnant.
Now let me say these were super women. Beautiful, hair and make up perfect beautiful, sporting large rocks on their well manicured fingers with expensive imported steel in the driveway women.
By far the most impressive group of over-achievers I have had the privilege to meet. Just being in their presence added a few points to my IQ(127 by the way but I'll bet I was the lowest in the room).
From the list...engineer, microbiologist, ob-gyn, patent attorney, a few ph d's ... with the addition of male sperm they could start their own planet.
So as the night went on conversation shifted with the blood alcohol level. I hear a "I was checking out the cleavage on the bartender..."
And then I got it!!...Slow, huh? Yes all that cock I had been getting was shifting blood flow from my brain.
"We're having a clevage contest. Do you want to get in on it?" I was asked while serving dessert.
"Sure."
"You have to vote..." A woman approached me with a digital camera, flipping through some photos.
"I don't want to vote. I want to participate." I said.
Some bad ass whooping cat calls from the dining area.
I slipped my apron strap over my head and pulled down my shirt revealing my newly shaped cleavage in one of the HOT bras I bought from VS last week.
Snap.
Louder cat calls.
It seems I won. Can't wait to see my tits on facebook.
Note to self: Maybe I should get a KISS THE COOK apron for such an occasion.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Booty Call 1
Hey Girlfriends,
By now you know I am so preoccupied with how to get invited over for MORE! that I can hardly carry on my daily activities!!
So back to Sunday. I'm sure you want some details. I got in at 20 to 9 AM! What the hell!! I raced into the shower because I had to go to work for noon. He soooooooo kicked my ass! BIG? Oh Baby, it ought to have it's own ZIP CODE! Yeah really. Think Hickory Farms. You know...that BIG summer sausage?? Guess you'll be thinking about my Big Guy when you buy that for the relatives this Christmas, huh?
I was so tired that I took a nap at 5 when I got home.But sleep was not all I needed...I needed some serious down time. Recovery time, not down there time! How could I ever see him two days in a row?? Even with enough KY to fill a bathtub!
Certainly can't even think about doing Sunday night. It's killing me but I gotta wait til Monday.
So Monday morning I'm giving it a good try, trying to keep my mind off him til later...running errands...attending a meeting...general stuff. And then the text.
HIM: What sup?
ME:Hope you are.
HIM:Wanna come over?
ME: If I do the afternoon quickie booty call, I may not be invited back for the slow hard long evening to morning session???
Well after a most enjoyable erotic conversation,that went something like this
ME: Hello?
HIM:(sing song voice)Hello you have reached your Booty call. Press 1 for an afternoon of pleasure.....
I get good sex and jokes!!
it was decided I would come over in the evening.
Later...
HIM: BOOTY BOOTY!!
ME: I hear ya callin'
Only 5.5 miles from my house to his! I drove as fast as safely possible and still it felt like a turnpike run to Philly!
Til later
By now you know I am so preoccupied with how to get invited over for MORE! that I can hardly carry on my daily activities!!
So back to Sunday. I'm sure you want some details. I got in at 20 to 9 AM! What the hell!! I raced into the shower because I had to go to work for noon. He soooooooo kicked my ass! BIG? Oh Baby, it ought to have it's own ZIP CODE! Yeah really. Think Hickory Farms. You know...that BIG summer sausage?? Guess you'll be thinking about my Big Guy when you buy that for the relatives this Christmas, huh?
I was so tired that I took a nap at 5 when I got home.But sleep was not all I needed...I needed some serious down time. Recovery time, not down there time! How could I ever see him two days in a row?? Even with enough KY to fill a bathtub!
Certainly can't even think about doing Sunday night. It's killing me but I gotta wait til Monday.
So Monday morning I'm giving it a good try, trying to keep my mind off him til later...running errands...attending a meeting...general stuff. And then the text.
HIM: What sup?
ME:Hope you are.
HIM:Wanna come over?
ME: If I do the afternoon quickie booty call, I may not be invited back for the slow hard long evening to morning session???
Well after a most enjoyable erotic conversation,that went something like this
ME: Hello?
HIM:(sing song voice)Hello you have reached your Booty call. Press 1 for an afternoon of pleasure.....
I get good sex and jokes!!
it was decided I would come over in the evening.
Later...
HIM: BOOTY BOOTY!!
ME: I hear ya callin'
Only 5.5 miles from my house to his! I drove as fast as safely possible and still it felt like a turnpike run to Philly!
Til later
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Saturday Night Fever (or How to Dance Between the Sheets)
So here's the thing. I am now officially crazy addicted! No amount of vodka has ever made me forget about the world like this guy! And believe me I've tried.
So Saturday afternoon I'm working and the texts start. How you doin' and all that blah blah blah.
And then
HIM: Got plans 2nite?
ME: You asking me out (or in)?
HIM: In and out slow and hard.
This is like high school note passing on ecstasy!
Great foreplay...and you thought your phone was all it could be!
Ok so I think I had my share of decent sex with high school jocks and the frat boys of Penn. I was so wrong! This big guy fucks like a 20 year old! I was afraid we'd run out of condoms. Four times!! I was fulled dressed and tried to leave twice.
I have sheet burns on my elbows. I'm sporting one helluva scab. His response?
HIM: Can't be. They're 600 thread count sheets.
Yeah.
So Saturday afternoon I'm working and the texts start. How you doin' and all that blah blah blah.
And then
HIM: Got plans 2nite?
ME: You asking me out (or in)?
HIM: In and out slow and hard.
This is like high school note passing on ecstasy!
Great foreplay...and you thought your phone was all it could be!
Ok so I think I had my share of decent sex with high school jocks and the frat boys of Penn. I was so wrong! This big guy fucks like a 20 year old! I was afraid we'd run out of condoms. Four times!! I was fulled dressed and tried to leave twice.
I have sheet burns on my elbows. I'm sporting one helluva scab. His response?
HIM: Can't be. They're 600 thread count sheets.
Yeah.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Dressing the Part
Hi Girlfriends,
So as much as I've tried to carry on my normal daily activities...such as trimming the shrubs and other yard work...I stop every few minutes with flashes of that fabulous night. Really HOT flashes!
I review every moment with audible outbursts... and I've called all my best friends to share my locker room news. And so when the Big Guy (I'd use Mr. Big but Carrie already claimed it) texts:
Him: You are one fine lady to make love to. WOW
Me: Actually you are the BIG WOW. Can't stop re living every moment.
He calls me and`says..."you're such a guy"
Compliment? Ya think?
Tonight I went bra shopping at VS's. There I was telling the very cute little clerk about getting ditched by my (former) husband and getting a new guy I wanted to impress with some really HOT new undies. I stopped short of the details...OH SHIT THANK GOD...when I handed her` my credit card, she`said oh you are (BLANK'S) mom?
This cute little clerk went to grade school with my daughter..
SWEET!
later,
twice a teenager
p.s. still waiting for a call for an encore.
So as much as I've tried to carry on my normal daily activities...such as trimming the shrubs and other yard work...I stop every few minutes with flashes of that fabulous night. Really HOT flashes!
I review every moment with audible outbursts... and I've called all my best friends to share my locker room news. And so when the Big Guy (I'd use Mr. Big but Carrie already claimed it) texts:
Him: You are one fine lady to make love to. WOW
Me: Actually you are the BIG WOW. Can't stop re living every moment.
He calls me and`says..."you're such a guy"
Compliment? Ya think?
Tonight I went bra shopping at VS's. There I was telling the very cute little clerk about getting ditched by my (former) husband and getting a new guy I wanted to impress with some really HOT new undies. I stopped short of the details...OH SHIT THANK GOD...when I handed her` my credit card, she`said oh you are (BLANK'S) mom?
This cute little clerk went to grade school with my daughter..
SWEET!
later,
twice a teenager
p.s. still waiting for a call for an encore.
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